Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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