he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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