Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
