I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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