I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
