Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize