I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
