There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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