I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
