I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
