1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
