I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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