walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
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