The best revenge is premature balding
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
