My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
