If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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