he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
