it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
