Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
