I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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