Only a mothe r could love this liver
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
