just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
