i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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