Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
