He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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