I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
