the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Randomize
