Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Randomize
