I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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