I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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