She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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