I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
don't judge my taste in strippers
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
