aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
