I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
