shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
