thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
