Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
