Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
