oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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