Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
