The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
