some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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