considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
