do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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