He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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