I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
