I wish my penis had an off switch
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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