Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
