i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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