You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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