please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
