so explain again why im purple
no
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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