I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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