You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
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