i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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