I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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