Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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