It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
