bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Sext me about skeletons
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
