I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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