well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize