I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
