when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
