when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
